Why I attempted sucide, again, last year.

Last year, on May 27Th, I set you to attempt suicide for the very last time. I had finally hit rock bottom and this was to be the end. I took 200+ percocets and over 90zanax. I have no memory of anything that happened that night after the first hand full of pills. Obviously I was not successful, but I was in the hospital from the end of May 2007 until December 2006.
Reasons for people attempting suicide are so varied. It sounds strange, but some are good reasons and some are not good reasons and those are more of a reaction, knee jerk type thing other than an actual means to a long, suffering end. I no longer think suicide is the right thing to do EVER, however, I get angry when I hear people say people who kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves are simply being selfish. Who is being more selfish, the person who wants someone to stay around just so they won't hurt for awhile and miss them, while they continue to be miserable, OR the person who needs the end to some severe pain?
When I was planning and thinking about my suicide I did not hide it from my friends at all. I told them I was thinking about it and planning it so if there was anything they wanted to ask me or something they needed to know, they needed to ask me then. I did not want any friends to have thoughts where they wish they would have asked me something or said something to me. This of course made many of my friends very uneasy and uncomfortable. I was totally sitting on the rock bottom of misery. My closest friends knew that I was fighting depression. Only my best friend would talk to me about it, but with everyone else it was always the elephant in the room. This is where we have to change as a society. We can not continue to not want to talk to someone about a hard, difficult issue. I think my so openly talking about it with my friends I was really reaching out, but all I managed to do was make them feel totally uncomfortable and it would not be talked about. I didn't do my best either. TALK TO SOMEONE!!! Someone professional. There are resources out there for all types of depression and mental illness period. Someone will listen and get you the help you need.
Medications are important in treating depression, so do not be afraid that you will have to take a pill or pills each and everyday. Not succeeding was great for me because it forced me into an environment where I was around therapy on a daily basis. One one one therapy, group therapy, etc. I mentioned on an early post that I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, so it was finally awesome to have a name with my depression. Learning about my depression made so many things from my past make sense. Ways I acted, reactions I had to situations, etc.
If you are ever thinking about suicide, remember you are not alone. First of all, DO NOT ATTEMPT! I came as close as you can come. Keep reaching out till someone will listen. That is the hard part but step outside of your circle of friends, as that can make it easier. Talking to a stranger can be so much easier than talking to a friend. Every city has a suicide hot line, or simply walk into your local emergency room and tell them you are wanting to hurt yourself by committing suicide.

Take it from someone who has been there, MANY TIMES, FIGHT, do not give in.