How Do you?

How do you improve on years of mistakes?
How do you heal the soul of one you hurt?
How do you earn the trust once given freely to you?
How do allow yourself a chance at happiness and love?

As a person with a soul you must forgive yourself, but how do you?
As a person swimming though waves of regret, you must swim, but how do you?
As a person who has abused kindness of others you must learn and grow, but how do you?
As a person who has lied and spoken bad of others you must rectify, but how do you?

You begin to search every bit of your soul and you heal. Do it.
You feel the love in your heart that has always been there, and you release. Do it.
You ask those you hurt, betrayed and lied to for forgiveness. Do it.
You find a way to share all the love you have inside with everyone. Do it.

When do you begin to attempt all the new things needed in your life? You do it.
When is it time to trust and allow someone unlock your heart? You do it.
When time is all you have and someone needs some of it, just give it. You do it.
When go I forgive myself of everything and allow myself to be loved? You do it.

Time to wage the battle one last time...

I think and feel the hardest thing in my life has been my fight with my weight. Tomorrow, I am once again going to attack this with all my might and try harder than I ever have before to get down to a healthy weight, a weight where I feel happy and content with it. It being my weight. I have worked so hard over the past few years on the problems I have had with depression and those have lasted my whole entire life up until 2007. Now, as I have mentioned, that I feel like I have finally made strides of growth with my inside, my heart, soul and mind, and that now it is time to use every last ounce of energy I have to win this fight. I would be outright lying if I were to say I was not worried or even scared. More scared of losing the fight once again more than anything else. I have to maintain a balance between diet and exercise. I have always been much better at the exercise portion and that I struggle with the diet part. Through all those years of depression I used food as my best friend, my confidant, my means of escape, my means of self medication.
I hope and pray that this time I win. I am going to keep a detailed journal as I go on this journey yet again. I will share some of those entries with you over time.

We have created our own mess...

The United States should be ashamed of itself. What we want and what we need has really gotten misplaced over the years. I am only 44 years old, and I have seen this all my life and really can see the positioon it has placed us as a nation now. We want good jobs, that pay really well, yet we want reall quality goods to purchase with the money from those jobs and at a very cheap price. That is a reality that does not exist. Why do cars cost so much? It is everyone in the automobile industry food chain that is to blame for this. The high up executive made the high salary with the very high incentive program. The assembly line worker who made an outrageous wage for the very simple work they did were protected by the, in my opinion, worse union ever formed, the United Auto Workers Union. Why are jobs leaving the US and going over seas? Because people in other countries do not have to have the big expensive things we want as americans. They are very content to live meger, simple but happy lives. Not an American. We want the big house, the big car, the big family, the big credit cards, the big vacations, and the big wage to have all of those things. However, what we also want is to be able to have those things we so desperatley want and need to be at the cheapest price possible.
People are becoming outraged over what we are now learning has been going on in our financial world. Big salaries, big bonuses, big egoes and all that at a very high price that we are only now really seeing for what it is. Greed.
I recently watched a news program that focused about a factory whose jobs were all take over to China, thus the american plant closed. The labor in China is very less expensive, but their quality of work is just as high if not higher, and they feel ther wage is fair for the life they want to live. This lady was then asked why she shopped at Wal-mart and she replied it was because she had to shop where the price was the cheapest for her family budget. What she did not realize is that the majority of those products were made in China, thus giving her the low price she looks for. If these companies were foreced to keep there manufacturing here in the US and pay US workers at the wage they want, then that CD Player which was 79$ made in China becomes a 119$ CD Player when made in the US. We can not have it both ways America. Someone has to get us back on the right track. We, as a country, need to stop being so greedy and materialistic. Our days of living beyond our means may have just came to a sreeching halt.

Natasha Bedingfield song "Soulmate" lyrics

Ok, you all know how a song comes along and I just love the lyrics because they either bring a strong memory back to me, or they really touch me in my soul someplace, as corny as that soungs.

Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line


Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Been awhile..

Hello everyone!!!! It has been awhile since I have posted, but it has been busy winter. I officiate a volleyball league on Tuesday nights through fall, winter ans spring. My best friend and I co-direct and organize our indoor gay volleyball league, and it will be over in two weeks. I have been in the process of organizing our real first year of having a gay tennis league, named the Cincinnati Rainbow Pride Tennis, check out our website at http://sites.google.com/site/crpt2009/Home. It is going to be a long, hot, fun summer!!

I have just been keeping myself as busy as possible. I have gotten closer with my oldest sister, and go up to Dayton Ohio to spend time with them whenever I can. I love her very, very much. She is the best sister, and one of the kindest people I have the privledge of knowing, and having in my life.

Regret has been hounding me lately. I am regretful of how I have let myself go and gain all this weight back again. I am regretful of how I just can not seem to manage to get over the hump of beginning a good nutriton and exercise program and get myself on the road to getting healthy. I also regret how some really great people have helped me over the last few years when depression was at my worst and I just did not treat them with the respect they deserved. On a good note, I am depression free for over a year now. When things get hard, or go wrong, it is so liberating to know and understand that it is not the end of the world. Communicate with those who can help you and your situation, keep your head up and believe that it will work itself out in time. Live is precious and I am so glad to still be here.