Newest Poem.....

Lost In A Meadow...


The days of lying in a meadow.
Overwhelmed by springs smells,
And just a simple but powerful sense of peace.
Butterflies, Dragonflies and feeding bees,
Watching them at work brought me so much joy.

This meadow sanctuary would not allow one bad thought
Penetrate its haven of total and utter peace.
A peace so strong I felt it like a winter’s blanket.
Wrapped all around me in the physical and the mental.
Lying on my back and losing myself in the bluest sky.

Hear there are no names to be called and no feeling bad.
I felt strong as anyone could and my fears melted away.
Nature so loved me and I loved her back with all my being.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered “You are loved.”
Why could I not take these feeling with me when I left?

The farther the walk from the meadow, dread began to enter.
All that was good, kind and peaceful was pushed out by reality.
Why must I have to go back? Back to a place void of love.
Talks with myself to be strong, to mind my manners with conviction.
The sun will come up soon, and my meadow sanctuary waits again.

Letter to myself....

Dear Self:

I think it is time for me to write this letter to myself. Oprah is always saying when you write things down you give them power, and they become real. I have made a ton of mistakes in my life and I wish I could take them all back, but at the same time I would still want to have the memory of what I learned from those mistakes.

It would not be right by any stretch of the imagination to blame all your mistakes on your Borderline Personality Disorder ( Depression ). You have made some whopper of mistakes and at times those mistakes affected other people and you ruined great relationships and friendships. I Know you love people and you are loyal, but there have been too many times you have stretched the truth. You would rationalize doing that because you would be trying to buy time so that you would have more time to make something right. You need to realize there is never a good reason to, and lets not sugar coat it by saying stretch the truth, lie. If you can grow more in any area of your life is to live more honestly. Starting with yourself.

You are never going to be happy until you lose weight. Do not hide behind the thought that you need to lose it to be accepted by others, or be attractive and maybe losing the weight will cause someone to be interested in you physically. As cliche' as it is, nobody is going to be able to love you until you are able to love yourself. You do still hold onto self hate in some areas of how you look at yourself. Stop thinking about all you need to do and just do it!!! Jesus, stop making excuses. You are going to be 44 this year and you still have allot of life to live. Now is when you have to turn it around and start living life for a better good.

I have to mention some incredible people I have been blessed enough to meet in my life and they are the sort of people I wish I could be, and with some work, starting today, maybe I can work towards being more like them. Thank you to these people for being my friends, helping me at times ( many times ), putting up with me through the depression, visiting me while I was in the mental hospital.

Self, if you can manage to keep these people around you and in your life, and be honest with them, then you can do anything you want to in life. Honesty starts with yourself. You can not look for it from anyone else but you. Take that look hard look, and lets get on the road to the second half of your life being a happy one. It is time to take control and stop making excuses.

Love,

YOURSELF

Information on Barak Obama from a NEUTRAL site.

Click on the above title to read more of Barack Obama and his history. This is a neutral site and contains information from his background and runs current.

Information on Hilary Clinton from a NEUTRAL website

I feel that if you want to really find out facts about where a candidate stands, or what their history is, you really need to get your information from a neutral site. I am giving up information from Wikipedia which gives alot of background on both of the Democratic candidates. Click on the above title to read more on Hilary and her background.

My latest poem. This poem touches me in the most personal of ways....

To finally break the surface


One can be as fragile as a flower petal in a spring frost.
Understanding not why the mind tells us to be sad.
Trapped in a glass box, with face motionless.
My insides are screaming to be heard on my deaf ears.

Prisoner to the bar less cell that is my existence.
Since my first sunrises I have battled my own self.
Needing to be seen and acknowledged by my peers.
Justified in accomplishments instead of failures.

Is the turmoil in my soul real or self inflected?
Perpetuated in mind, heart, and daily breathes.
Unheard prayers radiate from the deepest places.
Wicked self defamation of where I have ended.

Constant wishes of trading places with beauty.
Minimal times does my being feel accepted.
Soul fighting to break free of the skin entrapment.
Someone please tell me I matter here somehow.


Written by Carl Dinsmore / February 28th, 2008

Fighting Depression is a daily BATTLE!!!

Happy Sunday everyone.
I know I have posted a few posts regarding either depression or mental illness. I have really been fighting my depression the last few days. I hope people do not think just because you may be on medication, that all the world is a happy place and your depression is cured. Sadly, it does not work that way. I wish with all my heart that it did work that way.
Unless you have felt depression, it is sort of hard to put it into words that can even cause people to understand a little bit. You have good days and bad days. Days when you are constantly asking yourself why. Why you continue to battle, and why you just do not give up. Things people say can weight heavy upon your being. While you should not take most things personal, you find yourself looking deep into anything that is said to you. Why are people so critical? This is very prevelant in the gay community. We, as a whole, are far more critical and ready to judge than anyone else. I really believe this. I have seen it countless times. It is said that people who are alwasy preying on the insecurities of others, are just trying to hide their own insecurities. They have a false sense of strength by finding and exposing the flaws of others.
It scares me when my pangs of depression become more than just a passing thought. When I spend time on a thought, or my depression brings me down, I begin to feel fear in some ways. Fear that I will never be free of this depression. Fear that I can never have the confidence and know how to live a normal life. I just simply want to be free of the negative that comes with depression. Being gay sure does not help. Gay life is always filled with doubts and fears. Am I getting too old to find love? Am I too fat for people to like? Whats the matter with me? There are countless thoughts that can control your mind and your spirit.
I will continue to fight. If I ever get to that dark place again, all I can do is hope and pray that I have the strength to search someone out who cares and will listen.

World Outgames 2009 to be held in Copenhagen

The World Outgames, not to be confused with the Gay Games, is being held in Copenhagen in 2009. The next Gay Games is in Colonge in 2010. The link for the Gay Games Cologne is down towards the bottom of my blog. Click on the post title to be taken to the World Outgames website.

My most recent poem...

I would love to hear some feedback regarding my poetry. Is it any good? Does it suck?


Self Definition



A whole entire life spent so far in hiding.
Unsure through much of the what or why.
In competition was the only place to be free.
Free of insecurities, free of fear, free of me.

I let others hold me back, define my expectations.
Allowing myself to be lead, hating it all the time.
My talents were real, but belief was buried deep.
Struggles were as real, yet they lie on the surface.

Desperate to break the surface of self isolation.
To expose everyone to the confidence that existed.
Others were still enabled, by me, to make my path.
Why could I not make life the sport, my success.

Almost half a decade of life, still, regrets abound.
Will there ever be a sense of peace or completion?
One not associated with constant, inner battles.
Tired of self hating, I exhale and raise my head.

Time for some HUMOR!!!!!

100 Reasons to be Gay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

Shootings At Northern Illinois University

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, takes a look at the recent shootings at 2 of America's recent University shootings and stresses the importance of GOOD mental health care and what can happen in states where the programs are not getting passing grades. Personally, I think we do ignore mental health and its importance in our country. Click on the blog title above to visit the NAMI website.



February 21, 2008

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers its sympathy to the families and friends of the victims of the tragedy at Northern Illinois University (NIU)—which serves a reminder of the Virginia Tech tragedy not even one year ago. Our concern extends to all students affected by those tragedies, including those who live with mental illness as part of the community.

NAMI is an organization of individuals and families who themselves have been affected deeply by mental illness. We know that the likelihood of violence by people with mental illness is low. In fact, the U.S. Surgeon General has reported that "The overall contribution of mental disorders to the total level of violence in society is exceptionally small." Acts of violence are exceptional.

They are a sign that something has gone terribly wrong.

As with Virginia Tech, we owe it to all the individuals and families affected by the NIU tragedy to find out what went wrong. We need to find out everything that contributed to the tragedy---and to act on lessons learned. It is relevant to note that in NAMI’s Grading the States report in 2006, the mental healthcare system in Virginia received a grade of D. Illinois received an F. In both states, there has been an urgent need for reform.

One in four adults—approximately 57.7 million Americans— experience a mental health disorder in a given year. One in 17 lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, major depression or bipolar disorder. About one in 10 children have a serious mental or emotional disorder.

Half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14, three quarters by age 24, making college students a population of high onset risk.

Yet nearly 50% of all people with a serious mental illness do not get the treatment they need

These facts are a call to action.

We need mental illness education programs for high school and college students, faculty, staff and parents to help them recognize and identify symptoms of mental illness and to select paths for intervention, treatment and recovery.
We need coordination between courts, the mental health system, families and schools.
Privacy laws should be carefully considered to ensure that barriers to treatment are not created and that access to information for families and other caregivers is preserved.
NAMI urges formation and expansion of campus services and supports for students with mental illness, including:

Easier access to campus counseling centers and expanded counseling services.
Better information, education, and resources to assist students in understanding how to recognize problems as well as what to do if problems exist or persist.
Increased support for campus resources, including student clubs and student peer support services and groups that assist in recovery.
We must put the needs of children and young adults first and establish a foundation for a comprehensive system that supports early intervention and treatment. As part of a broader blue print for change, starting points must also include investment in community based treatment, including assertive community treatment, and retaining access to medications and treatments that support recovery.
NAMI also calls on colleges and universities to work through education and their policies to eliminate stigma or discrimination against individuals with mental illness. Treatment works. Students today are able to thrive in college communities as part of a process of recovery. No one should ever be discriminated against because they ask for help when they need it—and receive effective treatment and support.

Recent poem I wrote....

Realizations


Childhood memories play across my mind like a Saturday matinee.
Lost in there somewhere is the when the happiness began to fade.
Searching through the darkness just to find one lingering piece.
A piece that could maybe define me, or bring me into myself.

Abilities, possiblities, ambigous reasons to venture out in life.
Triumphs, friendships, contagious reasons to stay in this life.
More contagious were the reasons to end the venture, flatline.
Attempting to form some dignity with the remnants of existance.

Sometimes in the deadest silence I can hear my soul pleading.
Pleading with my heart to find a shread of hope, some light.
The darkness grows deep and the cold that lives there is dank.
Swallowed up I am. So encased in misery I cant see anything.

If only I could go back in time. In time to when I knew happiness.
When being out in the snow too long was something I worried about.
Simple times were those. When does it begin to get complicated?
Emphasis should be on the experience of living. The epic self journey.

Keep up on what is going on in the world - Gay/Lesbian Internation News Network

I watched an amazing documentary today on Netflix, called Living Dangerously. It was about Gays and Lesbians coming out of the closet in newly developing countries or what some would call third world countries. Click on title of this post to goto a website dedicated to world wide news concerning Gays and Lesbians.

Beautiful.....By Christina Aguilera

This is truly one of my favorite songs and videos of all time. The lyrics have so much to say. Click on the blog title above and watch the video!! I am posting the lyrics as well.


Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

If you are not familiar with GLSEN take a moment and look over their website.

GLSEN stands for the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. If you are not familiar with GLSEN click on the title of this post and read some of the news and what they are all about on their website. Stoping hate starts with our youth.

Some more of my poetry....

Another one of my poems. Click on this title and you will be taken to poetry.com where you can enter my first and last name ( at bottom of poem ) and please read and rate some of my poetry.

Hollow Notions of Silence


Soul is heavy, but tries to fight.
Burdens are many, but God says "No".
Prayer echoes in abundance.
The deep, hurting need is met by silence.

Silence is not empty or is it hollow.
It is the preface to many things.
A sturdy, locked door seperates greatness.
No key is known to exist.

Doubt inserts itself into every crevice.
Seaping out to slow your journey.
Continue onward or become a fixture.
Clarity may never present itself.

Longing for anything true and pure.
To know peace is to know an end.
To know no end is to know there is no peace.
Hesitant to trust any feelings.

Take a breath and let it in.
Close your eyes and imagine.
Fight to avoid getting lost in the darkness.
Blindly grasping for any light.

William Carl Dinsmore

Has anything ever REALLY freaked you out?

I thought about writing about this today when someone asked me the dreaded question, and then I have to tell the story. The question is about driving, and since I don't drive right now I have to tell the infamous story.
It was Friday, July 26, 2002 and I lived in Dayton Ohio. I had left my house that Friday afternoon and left for Cincinnati to meet up with the rest of the volleyball team I was playing on then, and we were headed to Atlanta to play in a tournament. Just a few miles from my house I stopped to fill up my gas tank. After getting my tank filled up, I pulled out of the gas station and got into the left turn lane. I had to go to Kroger's to pick up a prescription and then I was on my way. I felt like I sat there forever, and this intersection was almost like a 3 way stop, as there was seldom ever anyone coming straight from the opposite side of this light. All of a sudden I started to hear a siren and I couldn't tell which was it was coming from. It sounded like it was coming from my left, over the overpass of I-75. My neighborhood was across that bridge into that direction. The light turned green, but I didn't go at first because I still could hear this siren coming and I did not want to pull out in front of an ambulance or fire truck. Well, I couldn't see any emergency vehicles, so I went ahead and pulled out into my left turn and then I heard and felt the crash. In my stupidity I had pulled out in front of a car coming straight through the light. So my left headlight hit into their left headlight and it was almost like a head on accident.
I heard my neck snap, and then I came to realize I was slumped over in the passenger seat and I immediately knew that I had no feeling from the neck down. I FREAKED OUT at that moment. You know how people say their lives flashed before their eyes? Well, everything I would never be able to do again flashed through my head at that moment. I wanted to sit up and see what had happened but I could not. I could not move anything from my neck down, and I was left slumped over, staring down at my hand lying in the passenger seat.
I have no memory of the EM T'S placing the C collar on me or them taking me out of my car. As I was placed into the ambulance I felt tingling all over my entire body. It was as if I was being stuck my thousands of needles. I floated in and out while in the ER and wearing a C collar is not comfortable. They did not take it off or me off the backboard until they were sure my neck was not broken. Luckily it was not broken and I had what they called a stinger.
I was in the hospital for 7 days and I started to get more and more feeling back each day. When I went home I still had some paralysis in my upper body. I was on steroids and gained a lot of weight. It was depressing because I had managed to get into the best shape of my life. I had ran a half marathon about a month prior to the accident. My men's volleyball team was going to the Gay Games in Sydney Australia on Oct. 29Th and I was not sure what kind of shape I was going to be in come the time to level. Although I gained a lot of weight, I still got to go to Sydney and it was not in a wheel chair. We managed to win the Silver Medal and it was the trip and experience of a lifetime.
I have not driven a car since that July day. I am not afraid of other drivers, but I am afraid I could cause an accident being too cautious. Reacting in a way to a situation to cause an accident. I never thought something would affect me like that and for such a long period of time, but that car accident did. I think its time to get back on the horse finally and begin to drive. So, this summer is my goal to start driving again. Has anything ever freaked you out like that?

Click on the title of this Post to read and learn more about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Learning about another famous gay artist Keith Haring

I have had so much fun learning as I do stuff like this. Searching the web for famous gay artists, poets, writers, etc. This time I chose Keith Haring because his art was so abstract to me, but captivating. Enjoy, I did.


A pure product of pop culture -- punk, New Wave, hip-hop, graffiti and break dance -- Keith Haring belongs to a group of young artists who nourished music and art in New York during the 1980s.
Keith Haring was driven by a fervent desire to communicate. His work -- built from an iconic language of signature lines and symbols -- continues to reach out to the broadest of audiences, dissolving the boundary between fine art and popular culture, between the gallery and the street. his own vocabulary made of very simple figurative signs: hearts, babies, dogs and various silhouettes that take on thousands of different meanings depending on how he put them together. The rest is history.
Biography
May 4, 1958 - February 16, 1990

At the age of twenty-five, Haring had already invented a gripping, universally recognized visual language, accessible as much to neophytes as to connoisseurs. Six years later, he was dead, his blinding fame coinciding with the progression of the disease that killed him in 1990, at the age of thirty-one. Haring never hesitated to become involved in humanitarian causes: the fight against discrimination, drug abuse, illiteracy and AIDS. Knowing that he was HIV-positive,

Keith also organized exhibtions and performed at Club 57, in the basement of a church at 57 Saint Mark's Place. He participated in the Times Square show, an important exhibition of new art held in New York City, and made the first drawings with flying saucers; animals and human images that recur in the subway drawings. Haring wanted to demystify art at any cost and make it universally accessible; this led him to create countless graffiti.The drawings in the Subway were quite simple - pyramids, flying saucers, human figures, winged figures, television sets, animals, and babies. Soon the baby with rays all around it became a kind of signature, and the people of New York who rode the subways began recognizing these drawing, although they had no idea who made them

Click on the title of this post to be taken to his homepage.

One of my favorite poems by Walt Whitman

Give me the Splendid, Silent Sun




GIVE me the splendid silent sun, with all his beams full-dazzling;
Give me juicy autumnal fruit, ripe and red from the orchard;
Give me a field where the unmow’d grass grows;
Give me an arbor, give me the trellis’d grape;
Give me fresh corn and wheat—give me serene-moving animals, teaching
content;
Give me nights perfectly quiet, as on high plateaus west of the Mississippi, and I looking up at the stars;
Give me odorous at sunrise a garden of beautiful flowers, where I can walk undisturb’d;
Give me for marriage a sweet-breath’d woman, of whom I should never tire;
Give me a perfect child—give me, away, aside from the noise of the world, a rural, domestic life;
Give me to warble spontaneous songs, reliev’d, recluse by myself, for my own ears only; 10
Give me solitude—give me Nature—give me again, O Nature, your primal sanities!
—These, demanding to have them, (tired with ceaseless excitement, and rack’d by the war-strife;)
These to procure, incessantly asking, rising in cries from my heart,
While yet incessantly asking, still I adhere to my city;
Day upon day, and year upon year, O city, walking your streets, 15
Where you hold me enchain’d a certain time, refusing to give me up;
Yet giving to make me glutted, enrich’d of soul—you give me forever faces;
(O I see what I sought to escape, confronting, reversing my cries;
I see my own soul trampling down what it ask’d for.)

Awesome website regarding statistis on HIV & AIDS and how you can get inloved!

This website is amazing. PLEASE take the time to spend some time on this site. Just click on the title of this blog and you will be re-directed to the site. Thanks everyone..Carl

Worldwide:

Over 22 million people have died from AIDS.
Over 42 million people are living with HIV/AIDS, and 74 percent of these infected people live in sub-Saharan Africa.
Over 19 million women are living with HIV/AIDS.
By the year 2010, five countries (Ethiopia, Nigeria, China, India, and Russia) with 40 percent of the world's population will add 50 to 75 million infected people to the worldwide pool of HIV disease.
There are 14,000 new infections every day (95 percent in developing countries). HIV/AIDS is a "disease of young people" with half of the 5 million new infections each year occurring among people ages 15 to 24.
The UN estimates that, currently, there are 14 million AIDS orphans and that by 2010 there will be 25 million.
United States:

An estimated one million people are currently living with HIV in the United States, with approximately 40,000 new infections occurring each year.
70 percent of these new infections occur in men and 30 percent occur in women.
By race, 54 percent of the new infections in the United States occur among African Americans, and 64 percent of the new infections in women occur in African American women.
75 percent of the new infections in women are heterosexually transmitted.
Half of all new infections in the United States occur in people 25 years of age or younger.



http://www.until.org/statistics.shtml

If this helps just one person.....

Hello everyone.
Well, I am writing today about a somewhat difficult subject for many to hear, or to be able to talk about. Suicide. I attempted the last time on May 21, 2007, and I had every intention of that being the end. I took 96 zanax and 220 percocets. After the taking all the zanax first, and my first handful of percocets I have no memory at all until I came out of my haze while in ICU at UC. It was at UC, on the 8Th floor, on a psychiatric unit that I finally had a Dr. diagnosis me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I did a lot of writing while hospitalized for 7 months. I found something I had written while in the hospital and I am going to share it. Its raw, its honest and too the point. Before I share it, I must comment on one thing I always here about suicide. That is that its totally selfish. That comment blows me away. Unless you have been to the depths of total nothingness, and have felt the true feeling of NO HOPE, then do not judge. What are people suffering with depression and constantly miserable suppose to do? Stay in a state of constant suffering and pain just so other people won't hurt, or miss them? Who is being selfish then? I am not saying that people should go and kill themselves, but we have to become a society that is so encompassed with wanting to judge.
Here is what I wrote last year sometime while hospitalized.
Why suicide? Reasons I have tried in the past.
Suicide has filled a variety of roles in my life over the past years. Usually some event had happened to cause a catastrophic view on the happenings and/or end results.
( I now know that is a characteristic of Borderline ). I have looked at suicide as a means of making someone hurt as they had hurt me. When I was younger I would fantasize about suicide and how I wanted to be able to be at my own funeral and to see how people would react. See who cared by coming, or who would be emotional. Who did not come, etc. My attempts have always happened when I felt as if I had hit rock bottom with NO help or place to turn. I would agree that all the attempts before my last one were cries for help. This last one was meant to be the last one. My final attempt. I was prepared and ready to die. I can still remember the calm that came over me once I started to take the pills. All the pain and anguish of that time was leaving me as I was killing myself. I can not explain it, but it was the most incredible sense of calm.
Reasons I still think about it, almost daily and often, are varied. ( Remember, this was written while hospitalized and still learning about myself. ) Too tired to fight anymore, feeling as if I had no future because of getting so old and having nothing in my life to show for it. To live life without having known true love and how that feels was really hurting me. Hurting me down deep into my being. Constant feelings of hopelessness, and overall dread of the rest of my life.
Being in treatment has caused sparks of hope and moments where I do think life is worth living. However, there are still more times when I feel lost, empty, unwanted and wanting to die.WOW, just going over that again is moving. I am so far away from that place now, and am getting farther away each and every day. If you ever feel so lost that you feel suicide is your only recourse, I know how hard it is, but call someone, call 911, go to an ER, but don't take your life, there is always hope. People love and care about you, and will miss you. I was totally amazed at the amount of my friends who came to see me while in the hospital. TALK ABOUT WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU. Someone will listen.

How could any Gay or Lesbian ever have supported Bush??

ELECTION 2004 COVERAGE

George W. Bush on GLBT Issues


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What He Has Said:

In Debate 2 Bush said he favored "equal" rights for gays and lesbians, but not "special" rights.
Bushwatch.com brings us the truth, citing sources as indicated:

"Bush has supported a Texas law that allows the state to take adopted children from gay and lesbian couples to place the kids with straight couples." Salon, 10/12/00.
"Bush supports hate crime protections for other minorities! So Bush doesn't believe that gays should have the same "special" rights in this regard as blacks, Jews, Wiccans and others. Employment discrimination? Again, Bush supports those rights for other Americans, but not gays. Military service? Bush again supports the right to military service for all qualified people--as long as they don't tell anyone they're gay. Marriage? How on earth is that a special right when every heterosexual in America already has it? But again, Bush thinks it should be out-of-bounds for gays. What else is there? The right to privacy? Nuh-huh. Bush supports a gays-only sodomy law in his own state that criminalizes consensual sex in private between two homosexuals. New Republic, 10/13/00
Bush supports the Texas sodomy statute (which does not apply to heterosexuals): According to the June 1999 issue of The Advocate, Bush said he would veto any attempt by the Texas legislature to repeal an antiquated state law that criminalizes private homosexual activity, calling it "a symbolic gesture of traditional values." [Note: This law was declared unconstitutional]

You talk about same-sex marriage, I'm against same-sex marriage

In response to whether he would appoint someone to the Joint Chiefs of Staff who openly advocated openly allowing gays to serve in the military: No.

On whether he would appoint an "openly gay" person to a cabinet post: How would I know, I don't ask. Somebody's sexual orientation is their personal business as far as I'm concerned.

Additional Positions:

From Nubian News: Bush is an unabashed bigot when it comes to equal rights for gays and lesbians.

From Nubian News: He’s your man if you are: anti-immigrant, anti-minority, anti-prison reform, anti-choice, anti-gay, anti-public education and anti-human compassion.

Believes that adoptions are best left to heterosexual couples.

Reported by Planet Out: Bill Horn of the religious right group Straight from the Heart was present to push the candidates to sign poster-sized versions of his group's anti-gay "Presidential Pledge," which Bauer, Forbes and Keyes did readily; Horn said that Bush had declared in a letter that he abstains from pledges, but stated "that he is against gay marriages and against pornography."

Gov. George W. Bush has named openly homosexual gay-rights advocates to his campaign steering committees, though Christian conservatives say he recently promised that, if elected, he would not appoint such individuals to government positions.

Declined to support, or use his powers as Governor to get, a Hate Crime bill out of committee and onto the floor of the Texas State Senate.

He is in favor of strict drug sentencing guidelines for non-violent offenders, which disproportionately affects members of the minority community.


Even though this was from 2004, those of us in the gay community, well, most of us, knew he was an idiot. I am still amazed till this day how any gay person could support this man in any way at all. He is going to go down in history as the worst president in American History. The man supported a constitutional amendment that would ban same sex marriage. Now, I am not saying that I would want to get married or that I think as gay men and women we really need to. BUT, who is to say for those who do want that event in their lives that they can't have it? We deserve the right to chose, and he or anyone else should not be able to prevent us from our freedom of choice. But still thousands of gay republicans support this man and his agenda. That is simply sad. So very, very sad.

I Need To Love Tomorrow

Ok, I am gay, I love to write poetry. Do I get homo bonus points for that? I know, its not floral arranging. Here is one of my favorites. Would love to hear some feedback.

The days are getting longer, Minutes seem like hours
The longing in each moment, Is filling up my soul
This didn't happen in an instant
It's in the echoes of a lifetime
If you listen to the silence
You can hear the desperate plea
I need to love tomorrow, Someone head the urgency
I need to love tomorrow
Because I didn't feel anything today
I hate to see the night come
Lonely lives in the darkenss
My tears are hidden by the darkness
God, I hate the darkness.
Dreaming only makes it worse
This longing of my lifetime
Please hurry by, this lifetime
I want to feel the morning sun, I need to love tomorrow
My voice raised to the heavens
I need to love tomorrow
Because I couldn't feel anything today.

William Carl Dinsmore

Famous and a Mo'!

Is there any really good reason why gays and straights are fascinated to find out what famous people throughout time have been gay or bisexual? In my opinion, of course there is. It has to do with validation. If gay and bisexual people who are in the public eye whether they be politicians, actors, writers, singers, or athletes, if more of them would come out people would have no choice to start to believe that we are normal and this is not a choice.
I remember reading an article about Billy Bean who was a professional baseball player who ended his career while with the Detroit Tigers. He was a great baseball player, and he was living a lie. He was gay. His partner at the time he was playing baseball died, and since he was not out, and the tigers had a road game, Billy had to go play baseball instead of attending his partners funeral. I can only imagine how that must have torn him up inside. Never getting to say his goodbyes. He thus came out of the closet in 1999. You can read more about Billy's amazing story at http://www.billybean.com/
How do you think you would react in the same situation? I think it is easy for us to sit back and judge just as we are judged. Billy Bean could not have been the only gay professional athlete, and of course we all know about Billy Jean King and Martina Navratilova, but the men are a different story.
There is a site where you can search around and see who was famous and gay or bi. Take a stroll through the alphabet and see if you find any surprises.
The site is http://www.famousandgay.com/. Have fun.
Carl Dinsmore

Borderline Personality Disorder

After suffering from severe depression for over 30+ years, I was finally diagnosed in 2007 after my third suicide attempt with Borderline Personality Disorder. Reading about this illness was like reading a book that was written just about me. Below you will find out more of this horrible form of depression.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Raising questions, finding answers
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment
Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies.6 Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking.7

Recent Research Findings
Although the cause of BPD is unknown, both environmental and genetic factors are thought to play a role in predisposing patients to BPD symptoms and traits. Studies show that many, but not all individuals with BPD report a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young children.8 Forty to 71 percent of BPD patients report having been sexually abused, usually by a non-caregiver.9 Researchers believe that BPD results from a combination of individual vulnerability to environmental stress, neglect or abuse as young children, and a series of events that trigger the onset of the disorder as young adults. Adults with BPD are also considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes. This may result from both harmful environments as well as impulsivity and poor judgement in choosing partners and lifestyles.

NIMH-funded neuroscience research is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion.10 The amygdala, a small almond-shaped structure deep inside the brain, is an important component of the circuit that regulates negative emotion. In response to signals from other brain centers indicating a perceived threat, it marshals fear and arousal. This might be more pronounced under the influence of drugs like alcohol, or stress. Areas in the front of the brain (pre-frontal area) act to dampen the activity of this circuit. Recent brain imaging studies show that individual differences in the ability to activate regions of the prefrontal cerebral cortex thought to be involved in inhibitory activity predict the ability to suppress negative emotion.11

Serotonin, norepinephrine and acetylcholine are among the chemical messengers in these circuits that play a role in the regulation of emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Drugs that enhance brain serotonin function may improve emotional symptoms in BPD. Likewise, mood-stabilizing drugs that are known to enhance the activity of GABA, the brain's major inhibitory neurotransmitter, may help people who experience BPD-like mood swings. Such brain-based vulnerabilities can be managed with help from behavioral interventions and medications, much like people manage susceptibility to diabetes or high blood pressure.7

Future Progress
Studies that translate basic findings about the neural basis of temperament, mood regulation, and cognition into clinically relevant insights�which bear directly on BPD�represent a growing area of NIMH-supported research. Research is also underway to test the efficacy of combining medications with behavioral treatments like DBT, and gauging the effect of childhood abuse and other stress in BPD on brain hormones. Data from the first prospective, longitudinal study of BPD, which began in the early 1990s, is expected to reveal how treatment affects the course of the illness. It will also pinpoint specific environmental factors and personality traits that predict a more favorable outcome. The Institute is also collaborating with a private foundation to help attract new researchers to develop a better understanding and better treatment for BPD.

References
1Swartz M, Blazer D, George L, Winfield I. Estimating the prevalence of borderline personality disorder in the community. Journal of Personality Disorders, 1990; 4(3): 257-72.

2Soloff PH, Lis JA, Kelly T, Cornelius J, Ulrich R. Self-mutilation and suicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder. Journal of Personality Disorders, 1994; 8(4): 257-67.

3Gardner DL, Cowdry RW. Suicidal and parasuicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 1985; 8(2): 389-403.

4Zanarini MC, Frankenburg FR. Treatment histories of borderline inpatients. Comprehensive Psychiatry, in press.

5Zanarini MC, Frankenburg FR, DeLuca CJ, Hennen J, Khera GS, Gunderson JG. The pain of being borderline: dysphoric states specific to borderline personality disorder. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 1998; 6(4): 201-7.

6Koerner K, Linehan MM. Research on dialectical behavior therapy for patients with borderline personality disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 2000; 23(1): 151-67.

7Siever LJ, Koenigsberg HW. The frustrating no-mans-land of borderline personality disorder. Cerebrum, The Dana Forum on Brain Science, 2000; 2(4).

8Zanarini MC, Frankenburg. Pathways to the development of borderline personality disorder. Journal of Personality Disorders, 1997; 11(1): 93-104.

9Zanarini MC. Childhood experiences associated with the development of borderline personality disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 2000; 23(1): 89-101.

10Davidson RJ, Jackson DC, Kalin NH. Emotion, plasticity, context and regulation: perspectives from affective neuroscience. Psychological Bulletin, 2000; 126(6): 873-89.

11Davidson RJ, Putnam KM, Larson CL. Dysfunction in the neural circuitry of emotion regulation - a possible prelude to violence. Science, 2000; 289(5479): 591-4.


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NIH Publication No. 01-4928

Paul Cadmus

I decided while sitting in my room that I would try to do more to bring gay themed areas of interest to my blog. I began searching the internet for famous gay artists. I quickly found Paul Cadmus who lived from 1904 - 1999. I was amazed at the use of color and overall composition in his work. I am including the information from the site I found him on and there are several of his paintings in the blog. I hope you find this as interesting as I did. Enjoy.


Paul Cadmus
(1904- 1999) VIEW OBITUARY
Born in the United states to artists, Cadmus dropped out of High School at the age of 15 to study art at the National Academy of Design.
1926 Graduated with honors and worked in advertising
1931 Moved to a Majorcan fishing village with his friend Jared French where his friend encouraged Cadmus to paint in the style of the old masters.
1933 Cadmus' style had evolved to a sensuous realism that was his own.
1934 Cadmus achieved national notoriety when his painting The Fleet's In!, commissioned as part of the Public Works of Art Project, was pulled from a Corcoran Gallery exhibit for allegedly "defaming" American sailors.

Existence Of A Gardener

Never really needed to be somebody.
Just wanted to make an impact.
Effect a life for the better.
To be appreciated for my efforts.
A resounding "No" echoes the hallways.
These halls of life that contains our journeys.
Pictures of life's scenes hang in abundance.
Some bring pride, others bring shame.
Does anyone live the perfect existence?
Religion bears NO witness here at all.
One can rely on their merits.
Merits. A word, nothing more than a word
When your time comes to leave this place,
The simple question is all that remains.
Did you do your best with your heart?
At this point you should be heartlessHeartless?
Why heartless some will ask?
Your life's journey should have been one of a gardener.
Leaving pieces of your heart with countless others.
With these pieces only love can grow.

William Carl Dinsmore

Treat your friends better..

I think we all need to start treating our friends better, and with more respect. I think friend is also a word we use too loosely. We all have many aquaintancies, but we really only have a small network of friends. I have been so blessed to have had so many good people come into my life. The hardest part of myself that I am working on is how I come across to people, especially during sports. I had a volleyball match last night and one of my team mates had asked me a question after a point and I answered him in a smart-ass tone. Long after the match was over and even though we talked about it, I could not get it out of my mind. I have been working too hard on myself to let that person creep out of my head. Last winter I had a couple of friends help me out of some difficult situations and I have totally dropped the ball in regards to them. When you do a friend wrong, DO NOT avoid them, it just makes it worse. And for those of you who think you can bury stuff deep inside and it will never surface, you are totally wrong. I attempted suicide for the 2nd time in 3 years last May and I almost succeded. I was sinking in my own mistakes and misery and I just wanted it to end. Communitcate with your friends, treat them well, and if you get to a dark place in your thoughts, seek out HELP.

Its finally time to launch my Blog...

Hello Everyone. I think how I currently feel about alot of things are in my profile and introduction. I just wanted a venue where people could come and express themselves about whatever they wish. Gay related or not. I will not tolerate people who are mean and disprectful on purpose. There are chat rooms for that. Lets help each other grow and have a good time talking about everything!!!!