If this helps just one person.....

Hello everyone.
Well, I am writing today about a somewhat difficult subject for many to hear, or to be able to talk about. Suicide. I attempted the last time on May 21, 2007, and I had every intention of that being the end. I took 96 zanax and 220 percocets. After the taking all the zanax first, and my first handful of percocets I have no memory at all until I came out of my haze while in ICU at UC. It was at UC, on the 8Th floor, on a psychiatric unit that I finally had a Dr. diagnosis me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I did a lot of writing while hospitalized for 7 months. I found something I had written while in the hospital and I am going to share it. Its raw, its honest and too the point. Before I share it, I must comment on one thing I always here about suicide. That is that its totally selfish. That comment blows me away. Unless you have been to the depths of total nothingness, and have felt the true feeling of NO HOPE, then do not judge. What are people suffering with depression and constantly miserable suppose to do? Stay in a state of constant suffering and pain just so other people won't hurt, or miss them? Who is being selfish then? I am not saying that people should go and kill themselves, but we have to become a society that is so encompassed with wanting to judge.
Here is what I wrote last year sometime while hospitalized.
Why suicide? Reasons I have tried in the past.
Suicide has filled a variety of roles in my life over the past years. Usually some event had happened to cause a catastrophic view on the happenings and/or end results.
( I now know that is a characteristic of Borderline ). I have looked at suicide as a means of making someone hurt as they had hurt me. When I was younger I would fantasize about suicide and how I wanted to be able to be at my own funeral and to see how people would react. See who cared by coming, or who would be emotional. Who did not come, etc. My attempts have always happened when I felt as if I had hit rock bottom with NO help or place to turn. I would agree that all the attempts before my last one were cries for help. This last one was meant to be the last one. My final attempt. I was prepared and ready to die. I can still remember the calm that came over me once I started to take the pills. All the pain and anguish of that time was leaving me as I was killing myself. I can not explain it, but it was the most incredible sense of calm.
Reasons I still think about it, almost daily and often, are varied. ( Remember, this was written while hospitalized and still learning about myself. ) Too tired to fight anymore, feeling as if I had no future because of getting so old and having nothing in my life to show for it. To live life without having known true love and how that feels was really hurting me. Hurting me down deep into my being. Constant feelings of hopelessness, and overall dread of the rest of my life.
Being in treatment has caused sparks of hope and moments where I do think life is worth living. However, there are still more times when I feel lost, empty, unwanted and wanting to die.WOW, just going over that again is moving. I am so far away from that place now, and am getting farther away each and every day. If you ever feel so lost that you feel suicide is your only recourse, I know how hard it is, but call someone, call 911, go to an ER, but don't take your life, there is always hope. People love and care about you, and will miss you. I was totally amazed at the amount of my friends who came to see me while in the hospital. TALK ABOUT WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU. Someone will listen.