Yes, another poem....sigh.......

Seeking Affirmation




Why is it we seek out affirmation from others on various issues?
Or, do most, in true definition of the meaning, simply not or don’t care?
For those who reckon and reason the later are simply liars, I do believe.
Confirmation of task can simply give one the confidence to continue.

In a perfect world we should be able to make self declaration and trust self.
It is difficult to have the faith in ones self that allows doubtless thoughts.
To dream about total confidence in ones own abilities in all they attempt.
One should be able to wander through life, head held high and no hesitation.

Some, adrift in their own insecurities, will attempt to pull you into their abyss.
You begin to struggle with letting them drown or reaching in and pulling them free.
If you let them drown you would be giving power to the words of those watching.
Those standing in observation with no confidence in them let alone an assist.

It all equates to being strong enough in you to only need yourself for validation.
But, we still, ask our peers what they think and how they feel on a constant basis.
Is it so bad to give any amount of support to someone, anyone, friend or stranger.
Silence speaks volumes and allows the brain to come up with a variety of opinions.

In time you will be strong and steadfast in your belief that what you care about matters.
There will be no need to search and seek out the opinions that give you validation.
Validation will come from that one and only source that matters and that is your heart.
Trust yourself, love what you love, like what you like, but care about everyone.

Lyrics to Josh Grobin's You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

You know, sometimes I think we like a song so much for various reasons, but I still think that most of us do not listen to the power in the words. The meaning can be different for everyone, but they are still full of power. Don't Give Up by Josh Grobin is another one of those songs for me. This song is in my playlist 1 which is on my blog here...take a lister, but for now here are the lyrics.

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Why I attempted sucide, again, last year.

Last year, on May 27Th, I set you to attempt suicide for the very last time. I had finally hit rock bottom and this was to be the end. I took 200+ percocets and over 90zanax. I have no memory of anything that happened that night after the first hand full of pills. Obviously I was not successful, but I was in the hospital from the end of May 2007 until December 2006.
Reasons for people attempting suicide are so varied. It sounds strange, but some are good reasons and some are not good reasons and those are more of a reaction, knee jerk type thing other than an actual means to a long, suffering end. I no longer think suicide is the right thing to do EVER, however, I get angry when I hear people say people who kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves are simply being selfish. Who is being more selfish, the person who wants someone to stay around just so they won't hurt for awhile and miss them, while they continue to be miserable, OR the person who needs the end to some severe pain?
When I was planning and thinking about my suicide I did not hide it from my friends at all. I told them I was thinking about it and planning it so if there was anything they wanted to ask me or something they needed to know, they needed to ask me then. I did not want any friends to have thoughts where they wish they would have asked me something or said something to me. This of course made many of my friends very uneasy and uncomfortable. I was totally sitting on the rock bottom of misery. My closest friends knew that I was fighting depression. Only my best friend would talk to me about it, but with everyone else it was always the elephant in the room. This is where we have to change as a society. We can not continue to not want to talk to someone about a hard, difficult issue. I think my so openly talking about it with my friends I was really reaching out, but all I managed to do was make them feel totally uncomfortable and it would not be talked about. I didn't do my best either. TALK TO SOMEONE!!! Someone professional. There are resources out there for all types of depression and mental illness period. Someone will listen and get you the help you need.
Medications are important in treating depression, so do not be afraid that you will have to take a pill or pills each and everyday. Not succeeding was great for me because it forced me into an environment where I was around therapy on a daily basis. One one one therapy, group therapy, etc. I mentioned on an early post that I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, so it was finally awesome to have a name with my depression. Learning about my depression made so many things from my past make sense. Ways I acted, reactions I had to situations, etc.
If you are ever thinking about suicide, remember you are not alone. First of all, DO NOT ATTEMPT! I came as close as you can come. Keep reaching out till someone will listen. That is the hard part but step outside of your circle of friends, as that can make it easier. Talking to a stranger can be so much easier than talking to a friend. Every city has a suicide hot line, or simply walk into your local emergency room and tell them you are wanting to hurt yourself by committing suicide.

Take it from someone who has been there, MANY TIMES, FIGHT, do not give in.

New Poem..........

Fighting Ones Self In Exploration…




I simply need to break free. Free from all that I am.
Spread my wings and catch the swiftest breeze.
Holding tightly and watching time go by in an instant.
Changes were occurring in me as if I was about to split in two.

It is exhausting to constantly submerge yourself in prayer for change.
To become someone better, lovable, respected and simply complete.
I have no memories of anything but total contempt for my life and myself.
Countless hours spent planning the perfect time to end my own breath.

Those days are non existent now; I am determined to fight my way through.
Deep, inner feelings to my core are varied and at times hard to wage against.
Depression and thoughts of thinking you are inadequate whisper inward.
One day I hope to look into a mirror and not be repulsed by what is staring back.

Love from an outside source will never be true if I can not feel it for myself.
Why is it hard for so many to love them? Are they flawed or just misconceived?
Can someone teach you to love yourself? Or would the love of another set you free?
The word love itself we hear everyday of our lives. Does it mean less now than it should?

I will continue on this journey that I set out on every single day of the rest of my life.
Perhaps if I do find true love I will know it immediately because it will be totally new.
New in the sense that I have never sensed, experienced or felt anything like it at all.
As I walk I look into peoples eyes, because I do believe they are the window to the soul.

Latest Poem.....

Sunny Day in the Park…..



The sun had control of the sky today.
I was able to lose myself in the deepest blue.
Sitting in a park alone on a sun drenched blanket.
My mind going anywhere and everywhere in journey.

Snapped into reality at the speed of loneliness.
To be blessed with this day but unable to share its beauty.
A day like this is what love must equate with in nature.
Bright, warm, and enveloping is the day, is a lovers arms.

The smells attack the senses, causing the brain to sigh.
Life is all about this day it’s just missing a hand to hold.
Without notice I sit stroking the empty space on the blanket.
A soul to love, shoulders to hug and lips to kiss is missing here.

Silence floods the space where conversation should exist.
Sadness enters here too simply because of the desire to share.
A butterfly in erratic flight flutters by and makes me smile.
As I smile, I bow my head and sigh. A smile from what could be.

Silent prayer begins to ramble throughout my conscious mind.
Thankful for the day in praise but asking for a mate to share with.
A single tear with dual meaning makes its way down my check.
Happy to be in the day, the moment but longing on the lack of love.

Perhaps one day I will be able to wrap my arms around myself in love.
Then, and only then will someone else be able to really see me for me.
At that time, with the walls coming down, maybe a love will break through.
On my blanket, sun on my face, I embrace myself and allow love for me, from me.

LOGO Online lists the 50 Greatest Gay Films of All Time!!!

Click on the title of post to be taken to LOGO Online and check out if you agree with their list of the 50 Greatest Gay Films of all time. Sort of odd I stumbled across this list as I sit here watching Priscella Queen of The Desert on LOGO.

Enjoy!

New Poem....

Trying to Belong…



Living in a dual society is shaking me down deep to my roots.
At my age you think I would be over this or know to accept it.
Being gay is already its own means and power of division.
Happening to be overweight, over forty and average looking is another.

One society shuns me because I prefer the same sex as myself as my love.
The society that should welcome me with open arms labels me in other ways.
Life is this way is exhausting because I am constantly not good enough for either.
Labels are lying everywhere, just waiting to be picked up and placed on your person.

Society forces us to romanticize, dream and have constant feelings of emptiness.
True? Maybe we do this to ourselves because we are so unhappy with who we are.
The beginnings of not loving yourself had to come from a source outside of self.
As the years fly by at an incredible pace some begin to check list their misery.

To think that you might possibly live your entire life void of love is fear defined.
Sadness in your heart and soul eventually leaves and grief moves into the space.
After so long you become bitter, bitter that you can not have what others have.
It is a simple question. Why do some find heart filling love and others simply zero?

Nobody should ever have to feel as if they are less of a human as anyone else.
One should not have to place themselves in a labeled group or crowd to belong.
We are simply people sharing a place to exist, why can we not care for the other?
Vast amounts of media do cause personal insecurities to fester and ache like an infection.

Emptiness, be socially ignored and loneliness are causes of shortened lives.
Gay teens are killing themselves in record numbers because there are no resources.
How sad is that? How can anyone not find fault with the hate that breeds in our world?
It is time to love and love hard. Its time to fight hate and to fight hate hard at all times.

Time to feature a new famous gay artist...

George Platt Lynes (1907-1955)
Biography
As a successful American fashion and portrait photographer, Lynes, his greatest work is in homoerotic dance images and male nudes. He was born in Orange, New Jersey in 1907.He had his first solo exhibition at the Leggett Gallery in 1932, followed by a two-man exhibition at Julien Levy with the well-known photographer Walker Evans. By 1933, Lynes was a central figure in the New York photography world. He quickly became known for his highly stylized images characterized by expressionistic lighting, surrealistic props, and suggestive settings. Because of censorship during the Second World War, Lynes he restricted the circulation of his work to friends and admirers. By 1945 his success, and interest, in portrait and fashion work began to fade--along with his relationship with Westcott and Wheeler. Lynes moved to Los Angeles in 1946 to head Vogue's Hollywood office, but by 1948 financial pressure forced him to return to New York. Unfortunately, his earlier success was difficult to reclaim, and by late 1951 his failure to pay taxes led the government to close his studio and auction off his cameras. Lynes' later photographs, particularly his nudes, are marked by a significant change of style. He abandoned the highly staged tableaux of his earlier nudes in favor of a straightforward, even minimalist, aesthetic. Featuring few if any props, these later images are simple and honest portraits of naked men. In 1949, Lynes began a personal and professional friendship with Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, who, having published his controversial book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male the previous year, was beginning his research on homosexuality and gay male erotica. Although buying and selling nude male photographs was illegal at the time, Kinsey eventually managed to purchase over six hundred of Lynes' prints along with several hundred negatives for his new archive. After being diagnosed with lung cancer in 1954, Lynes destroyed many of his negatives and prints, including his fashion photography, as well as his nudes. Although Lynes seemed to fear how his images might be received, surely he would be pleased to know that many of his works have not only survived, but continue to find new audience.

New Poem.....

Natures Prayer


Sitting on the fence watching the heat radiate off the hay fields.
My thoughts as distorted as the evaporating moisture of that July day.
Clouds caused dark images to float across the land like a kaleidoscope
All of this sensory stimulation is making it so easy to lose myself in daydreams.

A mosquito bite snapped me out of midday slumber. I looked at the spot it left.
Something so small, with such an impact, much like us in the universe.
Do we really realize how significant we are on our little planet?
The things we do, the reactions they bring, how unappreciative it appears.

We need to reverse our actions or find ourselves with a bitter mother nature.
Looking out over the fields I search my memories of childhood and remember.
When did we lose ourselves inwardly and become absorbed in ourselves?
Selfish we became many of us, while others were shouting from their souls.

Is it too late for us to heed the call and begin to preserve our surroundings?
A constant reminder this should be on how really frail so many things are.
Appreciation is a word that seems to have floated off into dead space.
This space is one we will have to inhabit if we do not learn to be thankful.