Newest Poem...."There It Is Again..."

There it is again.
A visual not new to my mind.
All my energy is trying to stop it.
Trying to stop it is emptying my soul.

The existence I want is simplistic.
Only to feel deep, touch lightly, and see clearly.
Life's plan seems to thrive on making it all but.
It is so far from what we want, but do we become stronger?

Stronger is relative to what we want and what we need.
Questions lie deep in the knowing of what is it we need.
Who knows where the answer to this is or who has it.
Is it it us and the entire journey is to uncover it?

Not only to uncover it, but to understand its meaning.
To understand it down to the deepest root of the tallest tree.
To embrace it like the biggest cloud at the highest point in the sky.
Only with that clarity will it make sense and feelings of peace will emerge.

The slumber that comes from this peace will be as if from heaven.
Understanding all there is about ones self will open many gates.
Gates do not only allow you to leave, but they also allow others to enter.
There it is a again. Is it a dream, a realization or a prayer?

How Do you?

How do you improve on years of mistakes?
How do you heal the soul of one you hurt?
How do you earn the trust once given freely to you?
How do allow yourself a chance at happiness and love?

As a person with a soul you must forgive yourself, but how do you?
As a person swimming though waves of regret, you must swim, but how do you?
As a person who has abused kindness of others you must learn and grow, but how do you?
As a person who has lied and spoken bad of others you must rectify, but how do you?

You begin to search every bit of your soul and you heal. Do it.
You feel the love in your heart that has always been there, and you release. Do it.
You ask those you hurt, betrayed and lied to for forgiveness. Do it.
You find a way to share all the love you have inside with everyone. Do it.

When do you begin to attempt all the new things needed in your life? You do it.
When is it time to trust and allow someone unlock your heart? You do it.
When time is all you have and someone needs some of it, just give it. You do it.
When go I forgive myself of everything and allow myself to be loved? You do it.

Time to wage the battle one last time...

I think and feel the hardest thing in my life has been my fight with my weight. Tomorrow, I am once again going to attack this with all my might and try harder than I ever have before to get down to a healthy weight, a weight where I feel happy and content with it. It being my weight. I have worked so hard over the past few years on the problems I have had with depression and those have lasted my whole entire life up until 2007. Now, as I have mentioned, that I feel like I have finally made strides of growth with my inside, my heart, soul and mind, and that now it is time to use every last ounce of energy I have to win this fight. I would be outright lying if I were to say I was not worried or even scared. More scared of losing the fight once again more than anything else. I have to maintain a balance between diet and exercise. I have always been much better at the exercise portion and that I struggle with the diet part. Through all those years of depression I used food as my best friend, my confidant, my means of escape, my means of self medication.
I hope and pray that this time I win. I am going to keep a detailed journal as I go on this journey yet again. I will share some of those entries with you over time.

We have created our own mess...

The United States should be ashamed of itself. What we want and what we need has really gotten misplaced over the years. I am only 44 years old, and I have seen this all my life and really can see the positioon it has placed us as a nation now. We want good jobs, that pay really well, yet we want reall quality goods to purchase with the money from those jobs and at a very cheap price. That is a reality that does not exist. Why do cars cost so much? It is everyone in the automobile industry food chain that is to blame for this. The high up executive made the high salary with the very high incentive program. The assembly line worker who made an outrageous wage for the very simple work they did were protected by the, in my opinion, worse union ever formed, the United Auto Workers Union. Why are jobs leaving the US and going over seas? Because people in other countries do not have to have the big expensive things we want as americans. They are very content to live meger, simple but happy lives. Not an American. We want the big house, the big car, the big family, the big credit cards, the big vacations, and the big wage to have all of those things. However, what we also want is to be able to have those things we so desperatley want and need to be at the cheapest price possible.
People are becoming outraged over what we are now learning has been going on in our financial world. Big salaries, big bonuses, big egoes and all that at a very high price that we are only now really seeing for what it is. Greed.
I recently watched a news program that focused about a factory whose jobs were all take over to China, thus the american plant closed. The labor in China is very less expensive, but their quality of work is just as high if not higher, and they feel ther wage is fair for the life they want to live. This lady was then asked why she shopped at Wal-mart and she replied it was because she had to shop where the price was the cheapest for her family budget. What she did not realize is that the majority of those products were made in China, thus giving her the low price she looks for. If these companies were foreced to keep there manufacturing here in the US and pay US workers at the wage they want, then that CD Player which was 79$ made in China becomes a 119$ CD Player when made in the US. We can not have it both ways America. Someone has to get us back on the right track. We, as a country, need to stop being so greedy and materialistic. Our days of living beyond our means may have just came to a sreeching halt.

Natasha Bedingfield song "Soulmate" lyrics

Ok, you all know how a song comes along and I just love the lyrics because they either bring a strong memory back to me, or they really touch me in my soul someplace, as corny as that soungs.

Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line


Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Been awhile..

Hello everyone!!!! It has been awhile since I have posted, but it has been busy winter. I officiate a volleyball league on Tuesday nights through fall, winter ans spring. My best friend and I co-direct and organize our indoor gay volleyball league, and it will be over in two weeks. I have been in the process of organizing our real first year of having a gay tennis league, named the Cincinnati Rainbow Pride Tennis, check out our website at http://sites.google.com/site/crpt2009/Home. It is going to be a long, hot, fun summer!!

I have just been keeping myself as busy as possible. I have gotten closer with my oldest sister, and go up to Dayton Ohio to spend time with them whenever I can. I love her very, very much. She is the best sister, and one of the kindest people I have the privledge of knowing, and having in my life.

Regret has been hounding me lately. I am regretful of how I have let myself go and gain all this weight back again. I am regretful of how I just can not seem to manage to get over the hump of beginning a good nutriton and exercise program and get myself on the road to getting healthy. I also regret how some really great people have helped me over the last few years when depression was at my worst and I just did not treat them with the respect they deserved. On a good note, I am depression free for over a year now. When things get hard, or go wrong, it is so liberating to know and understand that it is not the end of the world. Communicate with those who can help you and your situation, keep your head up and believe that it will work itself out in time. Live is precious and I am so glad to still be here.

WHY I STRONGLY DISLIKE ELISABETH HASSELBECK

First of all, as much I as I would love to use the word hate, I will instead state that I strongly dislike Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Latest news is that she is pregnant again with her third child, more hate to be taught to the young in our country. She and Ann Coulter could be twin sisters. The fact that she believes its ok for the Duggar family to continue to have child, after child just goes to show her selfish mentality. I mean these children are brought up with their parents religious beliefs all but shoved down their throats. Why can these children not have a choice? Their oldest son just got married and never kissed her until the wedding. I am sorry, but that is just odd and has nothing to do with religion or faith. Rosie O'donnel was all but lynched when she got into it with Hasselbeck on the view, but records show that Hasselbeck has gone on to have several confrontations with other hosts and guests.

From Wikipedia: [edit] Controversies on The View
Hasselbeck has been involved in a number of heated political debates on The View, including but not limited to:

On August 2, 2006, Hasselbeck got into a heated debate in which she strongly opposed the Food and Drug Administration's plan to sell the "morning after pill" as an over-the-counter drug. Hasselbeck stated, "I believe that life begins at the moment of conception." She said the over-the-counter distribution of the pill should be banned even in cases of rape and incest, because "life still has value." Hasselbeck argued that advocates of the drug use the "rape or incest" exception as a "bait-and-switch" distraction from the goal of making it universally accessible. She argued if the "rape or incest" exception was all advocates cared about, they would not support its over-the-counter status.[11]

On May 23, 2007, Hasselbeck was involved in a heated on-air argument with co-host Rosie O'Donnell concerning the war in Iraq, which she supports and O'Donnell opposes. When O'Donnell rhetorically asked, "655,000 Iraqi civilians dead. Who are the terrorists?"[12] O'Donnell was criticized by conservative commentators for her question and she (O'Donnell) complained about Hasselbeck's unwillingness to defend O'Donnell's statements in the controversy that followed. Hasselbeck responded, "Defend your own insinuations" and responded that she shouldn't have to defend anyone else's words for them, especially when that person has a forum with which to present a defense.[13]

On May 23, 2007, actress Alicia Silverstone was a guest on The View. Moments before Silverstone entered, hosts Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck had the aforementioned heated argument regarding the Iraq war. The video segment shows Silverstone entering and walking past Hasselbeck to greet the other hosts. Though the interview continued normally and featured easy conversation between Silverstone and Hasselbeck, Access Hollywood[14][dead link] deemed the act a deliberate snub. Hasselbeck later stated on the September 19 2007 episode of The View that Silverstone called and apologized for the incident[citation needed]. Hasselbeck said that Silverstone never meant to be rude, but was simply nervous when she walked on the stage and believed that incident was wrongly perceived by the media[citation needed].

On October 3, 2007, Hasselbeck and The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg got into a discussion about Senator Hillary Clinton's proposal that the US Government provide a $5,000 savings bond for each child at birth. The conversation became heated when Hasselbeck stated it would lead to fewer abortions due to women wanting to keep the money

I firmly believe that Hasselbeck is on the view simply to represent the voice of Bill Getty. You can tell that Barbara Walters is not the saint of the news and information world that she would want people to believe.

PLEASE ELISABETH HASSELBECK....leave the show and go home and be a mommy. Many of us are SO tired of you.

Prayers For Bobby.....

I watched the movie Prayers For Bobby, and I was totally blown away. Although we have all heard such stories this one for me really him close to home. My family was never religious in any way but when I was in Jr. High school I was exposed to a pentecostal church through some friends of mine. It was great to just be around kids my own age and to do things together via the youth group each and every week. I felt safe and accpeted there and I really enjoyed it for many years. During that time I was coming to grasp with the fact that I was gay. The conflicts that came within myself during those years was crippling. I knew deep, deep down in my heart and soul that I was not making these feeling ups or neither was I choosing to feel this way. One summer at church camp I even went as far as having the hugest crush on my groups male counselor. Then the conflicts came with the messeges that were being preached to us on a regular basis. Being and feeling as I was, was nothing more than a one way ticket to hell. I spent countless hours praying and crying for these gay feelings to be taken away from me so that I could be normal. You were always hearing in sermons that God answers prayer and if you have enough faith he would then answer prayer. I could not have been any more sincere in my efforts at that age. I remember constant times of thinking of killing myself because that inner battle that was going on in my mind was wearing me out physically and emotionally. Why would God not answer my prayers and heal me of these horrible thoughts of being with other men? It had to have been something that I was doing wrong, or I was not worthy of Gods love and mercy.
Finally, and I am not sure what happened to get me to that point, but I stopped beating myself up about it and just accepted it and gave up the church and my youth group that I loved so much. To this very day I have anger at God and I have a hard time with religion in any means. If there is a God, how could he let SO MANY misdirected youth and young adults wander adrift in doubt about who they are? In that question is where my problems with God lie. I just does not make any sense. The youth and young adults in the world need to be taught that they are special and nothing is wrong with them if they are realizing that they are homosexual. They are worthy of life and much love.

The new year 2009....things to come.

I hope everyone had a great new year!!!
I am going to attempt to work on the outside of me, since that all of last and a great deal of 2007 was spent working on the inside, the mental side of myself.

I have openly discussed my suicide attempt in May of 2007, and how I was hosptialized most of that year. 2008 was the first year in my life where I did not lose all my energy to the suction power of depression. I was actually happy, content, and confident all of last year. I managed to put on all the weight and more, that I lost while in the hosptial. Research I have done on the medicine I am on, Effexor and Seroquel, states that it can cause weight gain, as many anti-depressents do.

I am going to a meeting on Feb. 2 to see if I qualify for Gastric Bypass Surgery. Through the fight of my depresson over most of my life, I thought if I would lose weight the door to being loved by someone would open. I finally now know that is not the case. It has become such a clich'e over the past few years, but its true. If you can not love yourself, inside and out, nobody else will be able to love you. I have the hardest time losing weight due to the fact that I am a horrible eater. Dieting is such a task for me to stay on. I have a background with athletics and fitness but I still can not control my eating. I am no longer eating for comfort as I did over the years, but instead I am eating just horrible things for me. Years of athletics kept me at a stocky size and I continued to eat as much of anything I wanted. Now that competitive sports is slowing down for me, I no longer have that luxury of eating anything I wanted and whenever I wanted.

I know there is alot of pros and cons of this type of surgery, but it is something I have to do. I have to do what I feel is best for me, and my best chance to become healthy for the second part of my life. I will be 45 this July. WOW!!! 45!!! I can not believe that I am almost 50. I can remember so much of my early years, high school, college, and I just can not get over that I will be 45 this year. I do not feel 45 until I look in the mirror.

I will keep my progress posted on my blog during the approval stage of the surgery, and the happenings after if I am approved.

***** I AM SO HAPPY FOR EVERYONE WHO SURRIVED YESTERDAYS US AIRWAYS CRASH IN THE HUDSON RIVER IN NEW YORK CITY!!!1 THAT PILOT AND THE WHOLE CREW DESERVE THE LABEL OF HEROS IF THERE WAS EVER SUCH A THING!!!!!*********